Mentally Strong Not Mentally Ill
By: Travis Wayne Williams
I was the quiet kid growing up. The one who’s imagination ran wild but was too shy to show it to anyone. Unfortunately, my emotions did as well, to the extreme. I vividly remember more tears than laughter as a child. I took everything to heart, as do most of us with Bipolar Disorder. I reached out early and bounced from doctor to doctor, each new doctor carried a new diagnosis, new medications, unfortunately nothing fit.
I then started self medicating with marijuana at the age of 14, I just wanted an escape, and it was a welcomed one, that eventually lead me to incarceration at the age of 28. So there I sat, in a prison in West Virginia, my life; so I thought at the time, was over. Really? It was just the beginning and this nightmare, was a mild one.
I served roughly nine and a half months, and was paroled in 2010. On parole, my self medication had to come to an abrupt end, and I was ok with that. I was given a second chance at life and I planned on taking full advantage of the opportunity. I dove into several projects with sheer enthusiasm. This was my brain not on any drugs, pharmaceutical or otherwise. I thought, wow, this is what i’ve been missing my entire life?!
That “high” lasted several months, and then I crashed hard. I started to isolate myself from literally everyone. I was always a “people person” but I no longer had any words. I lost a great job,and several amazing relationships in the process. A few months later, the hallucinations started to set in and so did the fear.
I went to a low income clinic and sought help once again. This time however, I was given my actual diagnosis. Bipolar 1 with Psychosis, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, ADHD, and PTSD. The psychiatrist wanted to get the psychosis under control first, and within a two year period I was placed on over thirty five psychotropic medications, and counseling as well. I can’t stress enough how important therapy is when dealing with any form of mental illness, especially since I was eventually labeled treatment resistant. The psychosis would just not break, and I feared that I would be stuck in my own personal hell forever.
I was angry both at myself, my life choices, and the pharmaceutical industry. Those commercials...arrrgh, You know the ones i’m referring to, where people are frolicking through roses and life is just peachy. Don’t get it wrong, I don’t knock medication, it does help many people, and I would have given anything to get some sort of relief. It just wasn’t in the cards.
My therapist recommended exposure therapy,since I now had agoraphobia as well. It helped immensely. I promised myself, if this psychosis eventually did end, that I would make a difference and take a stand against the stigma of Mental Illness, my doctors at this point didn’t know what was going to happen.. Three months later, my wish was granted but I had a lot of recovery ahead of me. Your brain is like an engine, when it overheats, it needs to repair. I came out of the psychosis, but my cognitive functioning was severely hindered, and I had to continue to stay on SSDI to my dismay, and i’m still currently on it. Through meditation and natural remedies as well as mild doses of pharmaceuticals, I eventually did regain my cognitive functioning. In fact, it’s better than ever now.
So i’m writing this today, in hopes that someone going through a similar experience has the chance of falling upon this and realizing that life does go on, and to never give up. Trust me, there were many days where I just wanted to throw in the towel. Thankfully, I had a support system who I couldn’t let down. I still struggle with the illness, and I always will, but guess what? I’m ok with that. Currently, i’m working on publishing kids books, poetry books, and most importantly, OwnTheStigma.org, which i’ve yet to do anything with. I want to empower individuals that are just like me, by tapping into various forms of the arts.
You’re not alone in your fight. Just keep on fighting. Find just one thing that helps you get out of bed in the morning and clench onto that until the fingers on your fists grow white. There’s not a single individual on this planet that doesn’t suffer from sort of mental issue if you want my honest opinion, but hey i’m no doctor, I’m just human, and guess what? So are you.